Here, But Not Here.

Yesterday was Christmas.  On the whole, it was a very happy day for our family, and especially our daughter, who shredded the paper off presents for two hours straight, who tinkered around her fairy garden out in the cold, carefully placing each new piece Grandma sent in it's rightful place.  I felt so grateful for all of our blessings....but I couldn't help from feeling pangs of sadness and missing each time I thought about our little boy who is not yet here with us this year.  He will be here every Christmas after this, but for today, he is in his crib in an orphanage, likely receiving the minimum amount of rice formula in his bottle to stay alive.  Not tearing open any presents, not being cuddled for more than a couple of minutes by busy nannies watching 40 other children, not tasting chocolate or sausage balls for breakfast, and not gazing into the lights on the tree.  But next year, very soon I hope, we are going to be able to give him the love and attention he needs.

His little picture sits next to my computer, crumpled by big sister's hugs and kisses.  He's here in our hearts, but still not really ours, not here, until we get over to the other side of the world to scoop him up and carry him to the government building where we sign off for good.  He doesn't know we're coming, but boy I wish he did!  I wish he somehow felt peace in his young heart knowing that this family was yearning for him.   That we wish we could have been the ones to find him the day he was left in that box, the ones to pick him up and bring him straight home so that he could avoid the last 15 months of multiple-caregivers, bland rice formula, and too few hugs.

I'm still not sure we can 'make up for what he lost', as many people suggest.  But we're going to try, or at least we know we'll be here for him all the rest of his days.  And that feels good.

Now we're just praying for some documents to move very quickly so we can get to little Yu Wang.  Who now has an English name, by the way.  We'll save that for later!


BTW...read this interesting blog for another Christmas-related adoption story.
http://www.myoverthinking.com/2014/12/25/where-he-was/