Here, But Not Here.

Yesterday was Christmas.  On the whole, it was a very happy day for our family, and especially our daughter, who shredded the paper off presents for two hours straight, who tinkered around her fairy garden out in the cold, carefully placing each new piece Grandma sent in it's rightful place.  I felt so grateful for all of our blessings....but I couldn't help from feeling pangs of sadness and missing each time I thought about our little boy who is not yet here with us this year.  He will be here every Christmas after this, but for today, he is in his crib in an orphanage, likely receiving the minimum amount of rice formula in his bottle to stay alive.  Not tearing open any presents, not being cuddled for more than a couple of minutes by busy nannies watching 40 other children, not tasting chocolate or sausage balls for breakfast, and not gazing into the lights on the tree.  But next year, very soon I hope, we are going to be able to give him the love and attention he needs.

His little picture sits next to my computer, crumpled by big sister's hugs and kisses.  He's here in our hearts, but still not really ours, not here, until we get over to the other side of the world to scoop him up and carry him to the government building where we sign off for good.  He doesn't know we're coming, but boy I wish he did!  I wish he somehow felt peace in his young heart knowing that this family was yearning for him.   That we wish we could have been the ones to find him the day he was left in that box, the ones to pick him up and bring him straight home so that he could avoid the last 15 months of multiple-caregivers, bland rice formula, and too few hugs.

I'm still not sure we can 'make up for what he lost', as many people suggest.  But we're going to try, or at least we know we'll be here for him all the rest of his days.  And that feels good.

Now we're just praying for some documents to move very quickly so we can get to little Yu Wang.  Who now has an English name, by the way.  We'll save that for later!


BTW...read this interesting blog for another Christmas-related adoption story.
http://www.myoverthinking.com/2014/12/25/where-he-was/

Introducing...Our Boy!!!!

This Halloween started like most other days during the past couple of months.  I made Mira's lunch, packed her costume (ok, that part was slightly different than usual), brought her to school, then drove back home to shower and run some errands for Matt's office.  Throughout the morning, I kept wondering, as I so often do, if today would be the day we get the phone call saying that we have been matched with our little boy.  I thought to myself, 'Halloween would be an awesome day to be matched.  I always loved Halloween as a child.'  My impatience had been growing.  I spoke with my sister by phone, and she reminded me that 8 years ago today, she had the ultrasound showing that she would be having twin boys.  I couldn't help but get my hopes up.

I headed back to Mira's school to help out with the Halloween party in the afternoon.  While I was checking on the 'breadstick witch brooms' in the kitchen near Mira's classroom, my phone rang.  I casually glanced at the screen and it said "CCAI".   Aghhhh!  Oh my God.  This is it.  Shut the door.  Breathe.  I paced around the room, answered the phone and it was a woman from our agency.  I'm pretty sure I screamed.  She said she was calling to let me know that they have a match for us.  I screamed again.  He is a 13 month old little boy.  His name is Qian Yu Wang, Yu meaning Jade.  I was scribbling her words on a scrap of paper.  Very small for his age.  He was born with cleft lip and palate, and his lip has already been repaired.  She asked if I would like to review his file.  Would I?!?  Yes!!!  I definitely would, I told her.  That was that.  They would send me the electronic files within half an hour.  

I ran out of the kitchen attempting to nonchalantly check in with Mira and on the classroom party I was supposed to be helping with.  All good there.  I proceeded to call Matt and basically held my breath for about 20 minutes until the email came through from CCAI.  There were a number of medical documents and photos attached.  I scrolled through the five or six pictures they sent and by the time I got to the third, I couldn't hold in my emotions any longer.  I cried.  Sitting there in a chair in the front office of Mira's school, huddled over my phone,  I cried. Very. Happy. Tears.  When I saw the pictures of this sweet, big eyed, beautiful little boy looking at the camera, I was so overwhelmed and so thankful.  For being matched with this little person today.  For believing that this boy is the cutest little boy ever.  And that he was going to be ours!!!  Here's what I saw.  Lucky us.

Little Yu Wang is living on the other side of the world in an orphanage with lots of other boys and girls who were similarly, heartbreakingly, left behind by their parents as newborns for very complex social and financial reasons.  But now he is going to become a part of our family.  He is going to be OUR son.  Maybe he was always going to be our son.  He will be treasured and held and spoiled and loved like Mira is.  Forever.  We thank God he was born.  And that somehow, miraculously, his young path has already led him all the way around the world to our family in the foothills of Colorado.  This is the red thread that connects us.