Monday, September 19, 2016

I Hate the First Day of Preschool


Wow, it's been a long time since I last posted.  Basically since we returned from China - 18 months ago.  I need to get back on the blog train so that I have some record of these kids growing up!  So much has happened, so many beautiful moments, like seeing Haze and Mira in moments of compassion toward each other, Haze's first bike riding and first words, happy times with cousins and grandparents...and then there have been times of despair  such as sister/brother jealousy, communication struggles with ultra slow speech development and long days at home with the kids.
I must say one of the hardest things I've dealt with so far is going through the process of sending our little one off to preschool.  I don't think I've lost sleep so much in my life.  The worries are never ending.  Are 30 kids too many in a classroom?  Yes.  Change schools one week before start date.  How will I know what he did all day, if he experienced something new and wonderful, if he can't tell me yet?  Should I ask the teacher to send a note home each day?  What if she doesn't want to?  What if he starts to have accidents after being potty trained for 5 months, and he is kicked out?  How will he ever keep his hearing aids in?  But the most difficult part of this process, as an adoptive mom, is seeing my baby screaming for me as I leave the room the first morning.  It's not the same as it was leaving my first (bio) 'baby', although that was hard.  This time, seeing Haze's teacher holding him while he screamed for me with his arms out, begging me to stay, then seeing him crying while looking out the window, as I got into my car, brings back strong memories of the day we first met.  This is not normal separation anxiety.  This is loss people.  Serious loss.  I know it must not be conscious for him, but I know it's in there.  And it's very conscious for me.   I know that my son went through attaching to and loving a caregiver in China, then one day, out of the blue, he was handed off to another lady (me) in a fashion very similar to what it looks like on the first day of preschool.  He was handed off and never saw the person he loved so much again.  And I wonder if somewhere, in that little brain, there is a fear deeper than in other kids brains, that I really will not come back.  Because it did happen to him.  Twice actually.  
So preschool directors near and far, please stop telling us that this is normal behavior for every child starting preschool.  Because although it looks the same on the outside (see our happy first day of school picture from Facebook?), what my son and I are feeling inside is very different.  Even if not for my son (true, it is remotely possible he has absolutely no conscious or unconscious memory of his first 1.5 years), for me, as a mother, it is very different, and not to be compared.  My brain doesn't just worry that he'll stop crying soon and be happy in his new environment.  Seeing him reaching for me like that, my brain instantly goes back to the day in China when we became a family, taking him from the arms of the ladies he knew and loved, leaving him absolutely traumatized.  He cried for hours, fell asleep, and cried some more.  I'm pretty sure other parents don't have these memories clouding their first day of school thoughts.
I know the sweet preschool staff are trying to calm us by saying 'all kids act like this', but it only makes me feel like they don't understand the depth of the loss we are working through.  I would rather hear "I know this must be hard for you, knowing what you and he have been through - not so long ago!  We will do our best to love him, comfort him and we will keep you updated.  Every ten minutes."  ;)
So I will go get a cup of coffee, take a walk and try to 'take care of myself' since it's been a while.  But I secretly know that until my son can walk through those schoolhouse doors and wave goodbye to me with a smile on his face, I will not rest.  He'll do it.  Someday.  :)
Update:  This week, about two weeks after starting preschool, our boy was able to give me a kiss and wave goodbye happily at drop off.  He's even giddy when I arrive to pick him up, he's so excited about his time at school.